a fat bear

I went camping about a week ago, and besides a weird ass, splotchy tan burn and a bear trying to sit on me, it was pretty good.

I went up to Tahoe with my sister and her kids. The first night there a fat bear deiced that instead of walking around our tent, he would try to squeeze between it, and this tiny tree. Now, this bear must have been the size of a mini van, or had previously stole someone's beer, because they was plenty of room between the two with out squeezing, or falling over. But the bear did both.

The most terrifying thing was, I was awoken, in the middle of the night, to a bear making weird beat noises, in my ear.  I literally thought I was going to die. But he sat there for a while, before he diced it was time to move on. On his first attempt of passing the tent, he fell over, into the tent. Right next to my face. After he hand hauled himself up, and away from my face, he tried again. This time he got though, and pushed me, and the air maters I was laying on away from the wall of the tent.

That was the scariest night of my life.

Romantic Bullshit Thoughts.

"No one has ever loved anyone the way everyone wants to be loved." Mignon McLaughlin

I am oozing self-hatred right now.  To the point where I just want to rip my brain out of my skull, and then beat the shit out of it. Because my hatred, is my own damn fault. But I don't consciously choose to have theses series of thoughts. They just happen.

I guess I love tormenting myself. Perhaps these thoughts are produced from an obscene sense of loneliness that has rooted itself inside the depths of my soul. I haven't seen many of my friends this summer, (thanks to my job) and when I do see them they either seem to not give half a shit, or they are bored with my presence. They could also be from a serve lack of any affection I feel (as in, no affection from anyone, for any reason, for too long). Or it could be the fact that the only conversation I have had with anyone in the last few weeks has been with a five year old who harbors unwavering, pure hatred for me.

Whatever it is from, I am not pleased with it. And I wish it would go away.

I am not used to this... craving for someone to be so close (mentally? emotionally?) to me. Especially in a romantic kind of way. But this is what nonsense my brain is creating.

I guess it wouldn't be all that bad, if I could just stop certain thoughts. I day dream a lot about an odd variety of things. it usually never stays on one for too long. But now it keeps bouncing back and forth between the Kaulitz twins, and this guy i used to like. Obviously I don't like the dating scenes with  the Kaulitz twins. (When the hell would I even meet them? And even if I did, nothing would come out of it except maybe an autograph.) And this boy I used to like... well I would never allow that to happen. He is more dramatic then any female I know.

If my mind would just let me enjoy a damn daydream I wouldn't be all depressed, and whiny. But my brain always reminds me that it will not happen. For hours afterward.


As a general rule, I don't like dating/romantic relationships. You see where my anger come from?


"Real loneliness is not necessarily limited to when you are alone." Charles Bukowski

ordinary.

"Never love anybody who treats you like you’re ordinary." Oscar Wilde

Can I just say, I want to live by this? Friendships. Romantic Relationships. Anything Breathing. Or Not.

After reading this I realized if I  did the group of people I label as friends would severely be reduced.

Perhaps I need some new friends.....

I miss being a child.

Does anyone else miss childhood holidays?

How on the 4th of July excitement would build up, in till it was oozing out of every orifice of your body?  And no matter how lame the fire works were, you were always in awe of them?

How about Christmas? Do you remember waking up in joyous hysteria because Santa Clause had come, and you rush down the hall to awaken everyone, (this was not an easy task in my house...) even though it was 4 am in the morning?

Do you remember the sheer joy of Easter? Of waking up to the smell of a delicious breakfast being lovingly made, but not stopping to enjoy the mouth watering effects in created because you wanted to  find you basket, which the Easter Bunny had hidden? Or the pure heart wrenching feeling when you can't find yours, and everyone else has? The panic welling up inside your little six year old body, in till your brother gives you a hint as to somewhere you haven't looked. Or the pure anger when your brother steals your favorite candy?

I miss those days. Every holiday was a big deal, and every emotion was so.... untainted.

My Greatest Embarrassment.

Since no one gives half a shit about my blog, I guess it wouldn't be terribly horrible if I admit my greatest embarrassment.

I am a virgin.
Worse then that, I am painfully inexperienced.
... Not by choice.

I guess I didn't have time, or just didn't want to deal with the bullshit that descend upon one's life when dealing with males. For a while that was fine. But now this fact is fucking me over, and nothing is more aggravating.

Perhaps it is just the area I live. Maybe it is my generation. Either way, I find myself repulsed my the majority of males in my basic age group.  A large portion of these males act like stereotypical girls. I am not talking feminine, (I like feminine) I am talking the full blown mood swings like they are bleeding from there penis, injecting themselves, and others foolish enough to be around them with hard core drama, and taking more time to prepare themselves for going to walmart, then it takes RuPaul to go to a red carpet event. If they are not personifying the stereotype, they smoke an exorbitant amount of weed. It is to the point where they life revolves around it, and you can tell they will not accomplish anything other then mastering the art of joint rolling. They sweat it. I find that unexceptionable, and will not allow them to be part of my life. The final group are the lying dill-weeds. They are your normal jackass types of human, but they love, love, love, to feed me lines of bullshit. There favorite is "I love an inexperienced girl.... it is cute." I have yet to hear words like that come out of a boy's mouth, and he means it. He doesn't want someone he has to teach things to. He wants a slut, who gives good head. I give it two weeks time after any similar phase is uttered out of his mouth, before he cuts all ties with you, and moves on. 


Why can't a guy prove me wrong? Its not like I will become a leech. Shit, I am pretty sure don't even want a romantic relationship. I just want I decent male to get rid of this annoying ass problem.


God, my life would be easier if I was a lesbian.