Romantic Bullshit Thoughts.

"No one has ever loved anyone the way everyone wants to be loved." Mignon McLaughlin

I am oozing self-hatred right now.  To the point where I just want to rip my brain out of my skull, and then beat the shit out of it. Because my hatred, is my own damn fault. But I don't consciously choose to have theses series of thoughts. They just happen.

I guess I love tormenting myself. Perhaps these thoughts are produced from an obscene sense of loneliness that has rooted itself inside the depths of my soul. I haven't seen many of my friends this summer, (thanks to my job) and when I do see them they either seem to not give half a shit, or they are bored with my presence. They could also be from a serve lack of any affection I feel (as in, no affection from anyone, for any reason, for too long). Or it could be the fact that the only conversation I have had with anyone in the last few weeks has been with a five year old who harbors unwavering, pure hatred for me.

Whatever it is from, I am not pleased with it. And I wish it would go away.

I am not used to this... craving for someone to be so close (mentally? emotionally?) to me. Especially in a romantic kind of way. But this is what nonsense my brain is creating.

I guess it wouldn't be all that bad, if I could just stop certain thoughts. I day dream a lot about an odd variety of things. it usually never stays on one for too long. But now it keeps bouncing back and forth between the Kaulitz twins, and this guy i used to like. Obviously I don't like the dating scenes with  the Kaulitz twins. (When the hell would I even meet them? And even if I did, nothing would come out of it except maybe an autograph.) And this boy I used to like... well I would never allow that to happen. He is more dramatic then any female I know.

If my mind would just let me enjoy a damn daydream I wouldn't be all depressed, and whiny. But my brain always reminds me that it will not happen. For hours afterward.


As a general rule, I don't like dating/romantic relationships. You see where my anger come from?


"Real loneliness is not necessarily limited to when you are alone." Charles Bukowski